Disappearing Act

I have a knack for losing friends I meet along the way.
I don't understand why I can't commit to my friends in sec sch and poly.
Despite me knowing them for nearly 3 years, I still feel left out somehow.
And I play the one who's always MIA (Missing In Action)
Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel like I've met anyone who's really family to me.
Well, maybe some... 1 or 2 good ones (you should know if its you)

My poly and sec sch friends are really great friends, great people in fact. But I don't seem to gel with any. I mean, during those days, we stuck like glue in school, and maybe sometimes outside. But my heart will not accept them as 'sisters'. Perhaps that is why I'm always losing them. Even with my really close pals now, I feel distant.

The only thing I feel really close to is my family. I'm a home girl, I dislike going outside (apart from the occasional shopping and movie treats). I can't really buy clothes, neither can I buy anything that I like cuz I'm not rich (but not poor either). I just don't spend on unnecessary items. But sad to say, each time I go out with my pals, I end up spending more than I should, and when I can't, I feel the pain of not getting what I want. Blame it on materialism... I know as a Christian, we ought to put materialistic items out of our way. I'm trying to. But when it comes to various knick-knacks, you just WANT ('NEED') it. I've noticed this syndrome taking place in a lot of girls I know.. but they'll deny it somehow (attributing it to a 'NEED').

Well okay, shopping will never be my first hobby, cuz I still hate walking amongst the crowds. I prefer making my own stuff. I like doing crafts, perhaps another reason why I love home so much. I get to have my own space, my own creative atelier. Despite many being interested in the IDEA of making things, they don't do it. But I'm not that sort of person.. I hate procrastinating, it makes me sick. But ironically, I do procrastinate a lot when it comes to homework (ART HISTORY!!)

I'm not like them. I'm not like anyone. And neither am I a good person. I complain lots when I have the chance to, but no one has yet to hear me babble till my mouth bleeds. I've been keeping things to myself, and the chunk that has the opportunity to be let out, it's just a tiny portion. And the things I complain about, nobody will be interested in it. Maybe that's why I hardly have good friends who'll lend a listening ear. But those who do, I choose not to talk to them, because I don't feel the closeness. It's really my fault somehow, for always feeling that way.

And in school, I smile all the time, I tell lame jokes, I like making people laugh. That's just 1/4 of who I am. The rest, they won't see. I just feel that I'll never ever be understood by anyone. They have other friends who are better than me (whom they've known longer). I am a pain in the ass when it comes to group work, I strive for the best effort. Well, it's possible to label me a 'workaholic'. Maybe that's why I seek solace by burying myself in tonnes of research or work. And I think I'm transforming into The Hermit. I was a hermit, but this time, into a hermit with a shell large enough to accomodate me for the rest of my life. Oh yeah, and I love watching movies alone, the loneliness is bearable, in fact I like that feeling of isolation. But I hate it too.. It's a love/hate relationship.

Maybe I'm who I am because I find it hard to please myself. But maybe it's hard for me to find sibling-like friends. Or perhaps I feel that nobody likes hanging with me at all. Which is most prob true. I'm dull, I talk about nonsense, and no one likes talking about art & design the way I do. Many times I shut myself in a vortex, where I know I can make up my own stories. Make up new friends, a new life, something sci-fi... I love reading fiction. When I have the time, I usually absorb myself with books. No one can disturb me when I'm reading. My imagination's having a fun time. Maybe that's the sort of life that I want... I yearn for a good & exciting life, a couple of really good pals, and definitely, a guy who's able to steal my heart. None now... all are losers. Except for my imaginary ones...