Even God Isn't Demanding So Much From Me

Okay, this is one of the hardest things that I've ever done. Planning games.
In fact, it is my first time, and I've never felt so screwed in my life. I tell
myself to plan beforehand, which most of the times I do, except for the reccing of
the school compound.

Reason why I procrastinate: I had a lot of school work to be done at that time, I had my exams going on too. Maybe I'm weak, I can't juggle more than one work at once.

I understand that the people who are in-charge of this camp are just as busy, therefore the tension and agitation. I know this particular blog's gonna hurt some people, but I'm already down and out. I'm in desperate need of sleep, cuz I keep tossing and turning at night, not knowing what will go on the next day. I tell myself to trust in God, but somehow that trust never reaches to a new height. I guess I rely on myself too much not to screw things up.

Look at my title, "Even God Isn't Demanding So Much From Me". Because I think people are the reason why I'm getting depressed every minute. I woke up late today, because I tried completing so much last night, thus missing church. I wanted to go to church, but my head refuses to wake up. I know Eve's really busy, with work and all, but I wish I had someone I can really turn to. Not them, not anyone from church (sorry to hurt many of your feelings), although Gwyn did manage to make me smile yesterday by telling me abt the cryings at their Sentosa camp.

I know it's going to be a pathetic week for me - once I'm completely down and out, I will be for the next few days. All this stress is making me mentally sick again. I couldn't enter a deep slumber because I kept thinking that I'm going to die young, again. My leg feels funny, and so does my shoulder, I fear that I'm suffering from cancer of the bone. I get bruises and cuts easily these days. I'm dropping way loads of hair. It's scary when you see my floor. I just feel like crying even when I'm typing this. I don't need no consolation from anyone. I just want to be free from all duties.

I'm never ever going to help out in anything again, call this a selfish reason, but no matter how many will try to tell me that I did a good job, I'm not going to budge, ever again. Once is enough, it's hard to go through doing most things alone. I wish I had more time to myself this holiday. I think I'm not a people person, even when I've known people for a really long time, I guess there's still no connection between me and them. I feel better being a hermit. I used to dread alone-time, but not anymore. I realize that I'm incapable of bonding with humans, and watching movies alone has never been so enjoyable. I've been doing that for the past year...

And I prefer keeping quiet to myself, just bottle everything up. Sometimes that sinking feeling you get in your heart, that painful pull... I enjoy it. Don't call me a maniac, but that's the only feeling that makes me human. Tears are welling up in my eyes now, but I like that feeling too, although I feel extremely sad. It is precisely that no one bothers that I like feeling alone. I can visualize my future: Own apartment, small but cosy, a dog (preferably a pug), and my state of the art kitchen. And God's blessings of course.