Cheating

I'm cheating myself, and I'm cheating God. I made promises that were broken, and I feel that I'm an unworthy person for anyone, and God. My mom always tells me to endure any criticism that I'll get. But I've failed her because I'm weak. I try defending myself, but I end up losing all the more. I feel as if my talents are disappearing, fading into the world of inexistence. I'm losing my touch, and I'm losing my head. Maybe Prof Y. was right to criticize me. I shouldn't have stood up against him. There's no point in defending anything anymore. I was too full of myself once, and now I just feel like crumbling on the pavement when I'm walking home. I tried to stop my tears while I was walking home, but I couldn't. I had to stop my tears when I got home, I just didn't want my father to see me crying. I don't want them to worry about me when they'd so much to worry for themselves. I just feel that life's hopeless at this point in time. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever succeed in life, I should have because I already believe in Jesus. But most of the time I just get depressed all over again, because I know that I've failed, and that I'm a failure, and will always fail no matter what. I'm tired of doing things for people, sometimes for friends even, and I should be ashamed of saying that. I'm sick of this cough that I've been having, it's robbing my sleep, my life, my very existence of being. I think my friends and other people would think that it's just a cough, and nothing more. Yes it is just a cough and nothing more, but I feel that it took away something more. I'm wiping my face as it is now, drying it with my sleeves. You know how that feels, but it feels terrible to be the one feeling it now. I've failed my friends, the people I've befriended in Crusades, but they won't know how it feels like to be me, I'm different and I'm weak. Encouragement from friends will sound like discouragement to me. I want to lie on my bed and not think of anything else. And this is what I'll do. For now.