Over & Over Again

I have been living in a monotonous cycle for many months (maybe even years). But as of now, I just want some thrill or excitement to wake me up. All this time I've been patiently waiting for something to happen, but I figured that God has other plans for me. I really wonder what's that plan of mine.

Ever since that happened, I've been waiting so eagerly. But to no avail. It is an indication for me to move on with life. 'Cept that I've yet to know what I should do with it for now. I understand that God has greater plans for all of us, but when I look forward to an ideal outcome that doesn't happen, it makes me rather sad and downhearted.

Life seems harder to handle as I grow older. My circle of close friends is beginning to look like a dot. The ones whom I can talk to are not there anymore (as I've had when I was younger). While the friends I make in school are easy to have conversations with, it stops the moment school ends, and when everyone's ready to make their way home.

I suppose I feel more affinity to those whom I've known for at least 5 years, and even more so when they're gelled to me like family. Personally, I feel so much closer to anyone who's able to make me laugh and cry, or to be with me to talk about life and our walk with God. But now, it seems like I'm trying to solve a problem without having any answers at all.

For all my life, I know that God's always there with a ready ear and open heart. But now that God speaks through the bible, it's good to have someone to guide me along. While I may be a busy girl until evening (cuz of school), sometimes I just wish that I had someone else on the other line, to talk to me. To hear anybody's voice gives me the sense of comfort, and at least then I'd be able to pour out everything that's stuck inside me.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get words easily out of my mouth. Now that I'm studying fine arts, it is a definite must for all to be really vocal, and to think REALLY deeply about anything. And by anything, I meant philosophy, art history, critisizing an art work, literature...etc... I have so many things that I can think of, but I just can't put it in words. Je ne sais pas. It just seems that I'm getting more timid with each pressing day. That wasn't like me, but I feel that it will be me.

I need help, I want help.